Author: deidreswain

I'm going to make every single one of my dreams come true.

Happy Birthday CJ (my heavenly angel)

by deidreswain, posted in Family Time, My Christian Journey

So I totally had Part. 2 to my Easter blog planned.  I had even done all of research to speak on the subject. Then I go on Facebook for the first time today and what do I see..

My ex-husband had posted a birthday wish to our heavenly angel CJ, which included a picture of him taken when he was in the hospital.

Every bit of pain and emotion that I felt the day he was born and the day he died hit me like a ton of bricks.  You see he was born at 24 weeks…. very early to 26 year old couple at Shape, Belgium, a foreign country which we had only been in for a few short weeks, who knew nothing about being pregnant or having a baby.

My pregnancy was extremely difficult, and the only thing I was looking forward to having that special little person who would come out of me and just make me forget everything that I had  gone through.  

God had other ideas though. Trust me when I say, I know it’s true and I know  I’m on a path of spiritual awakening, but that statement is still hard to say.  I would trade me life to this day for my son to be on this Earth, but God makes know mistakes and He knows what’s best for me.

That still doesn’t stop me from thinking what if… I love my husband, but would I have gotten a divorce from my ex? (Statistics say this is normal after the loss of a child) Would I have had more children? (I still have no bio child) How would I have been as a person? Would I have come to Christ sooner? So many questions with answers that I know I will never have.

I always thought that this day would get easier. I thought that as the years went by it would hurt a little less. It hasn’t and doesn’t. My heart aches even as I’m typing this and I thank God for those around me who keep me uplifted during this time.

Losing a child is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. As the saying goes “It’s unnatural for a parent to bury their child”. My heart goes out to everyone who has had to bury theirs. It’s a club that no one wishes to be apart of.

I have to take a moment though and say thank you to those special people that I met while in Belgium.You guys became my family and I can say from the bottom of my heart that I love these ladies. They have wiped tears, held my hand, and just gave me every part of them even though they had only known me for such a short time (in the beginning). I loved you guys then and love you still now.

Carlos D. Blackmon II will always be my first child that grew inside of me, prayer fully he won’t be the last.  He is the one that I draw on when I need strength because I know if I could get through that then anything else I go through is nothing. He is the one who put the thought in my head about becoming a mother because before him I would have laughed at you.  Through him God has taught me some invaluable lessons about life. Although my baby boy is gone, he will never ever be far from my heart. I will love him always and because the tears are welling up in my eyes again I’m going to end this so I can pray my way through this.

Just to add something my husband just told me, don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel if you have gone through something like this. Yell, scream, kick, cry, exercise, just do whatever it is you need to do and don’t feel bad about it. It’s okay. Our club has no rules.

Romans 3:23/Part 1 of Easter Blog

by deidreswain, posted in My Christian Journey

Romans 3:23 states: For ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

I am not perfect, but neither is anyone reading this. (Sorry but it’s the truth), but probably unlike you I hold all of past transgressions against myself. I hold onto them knowing that God has forgiven me. 

Why? I really can’t answer that question. I feel as though I should have know better, should have been better. I like to think I’m an extremely smart and bright person (no laughing or jokes people), who shouldn’t have done anything that I did in my past. (I will allude to some of these things later, trust) At trust God isn’t through with me yet….

But God is not always proud of us, we do things that He has explicitly told us not to do, we pray and don’t listen or wait for His answers, we do so much that I’m sure that Jesus questions his discussion to die for our sins, because we learn nothing from our past or the past of others. I mean speaking as someone who is living now, I’m not sure I would have had the guts to die for a world knowing that some didn’t believe in me, some would forsaken me and some would just ignore all the things that I do in their life.

This generation is slowly getting away from what our grandparents believed in, how they helped one another, the things they stood for. I know that some people are still holding true to helping others. There is a person that I admire so much for her contribution to helping others. I want to mention her name but I’m not sure how she would fill about it so I’ll ask her and then tell you.

But we have got to understand that we are not perfect, God never expected us to be. He just wants us to do better. It’s not hard, nor will it be the easiest thing to do but it can be done.

Think about it. It’s already written.

 

 

 

 

 

Intentions

by deidreswain, posted in My Christian Journey, My Goals

I’m getting this one up early because I am determined to be in bed and sleep no later than 8:30pm.

If you have read any of my blogs you know that I suffer from extreme insomnia, and if you don’t know just ask my car which I have run into the house twice while in a foggy mind frame.

Sleep is very important to the body which I have found out the hard way, but this blog is not about that tonight.

So as you all may know I TRY and do things in my church that glorify. I love God and this is what we are supposed to do.  The reason why try is in bold letters is because I live about 45 minutes away from my church so it isn’t always the most convenient place to go at a moments notice.  

So being as last night was one of those nights were I got no sleep and still had things to do during the day sleep was out of the question. So my intentions were to pick up my bonus son (which I did), go over homework (test tomorrow and I believe strongly in schoolwork), and feed him dinner (all done). Now I might add that his test worksheet was with his mother so I had to meet up with her to get it. 

By the time all of this is done I’m completely exhausted. I haven’t slept all day and although I’m good for the drive down, the one back is the one was mostly concerned with especially since I wouldn’t be alone. I had another life to look out for. 

So the hubby puts his foot down and says he doesn’t trust that I have enough energy for the task at hand.

But my intentions were to go and help the children prepare for their Easter Celebration.  Now I feel like I have good intentions but I didn’t follow through. So which is better wanting to do something or actually doing is regardless of the circumstances?

I believe my health and the welfare of my family comes first and I’m quite sure many of you agree. But when do we push ourselves beyond to make sure our intentions turn into results? 

I trust God whole heartedly, but he is trying to show me something with this insomnia thing. I believe that. 

My intentions are always good no matter how they start out. So charge it to my head and not to my heart. I will always do what I can.

God Bless

 

Love & Marriage

by deidreswain, posted in Family Time, My Christian Journey, Relationship

I couldn’t find a title to this post. Because the ideas are so jumble in my head but I’m going to try my best to write a good post without rambling 🙂

As I mentioned in an earlier post I am reading a book about building a lasting marriage. So the book is broken up into chapters about different couples in the Bible, the things they went through, and what we can learn from them.

So I’m reading about Abraham and Sarah. They are describe as Partners in Faith.  Imagine my surprise when I read that they went against Gods word!! I know, I know and as you can tell I am no Bible scholar. I actual thought that everything that the Bible speaks about is what God wanted people to do. The thought never entered my mind that even then people still had their free will to choose what they wanted to do.

In case you don’t know the story of Abraham and Sarah (Abram and Sarai before God changed their names) are the only couple in the Bible who are given the biggest focus. Their story spans 13 chapters!!

Abraham and Sarah were given commands by God some they listened to and others they didn’t.  See even back then people didn’t always have faith that God would do everything He promised to do. (Hence the reason Sarah persuaded her maid to have a baby with her husband).

When I read about this it really struck a cord with me. How many times has my husband told me he would take care of something just for me to go behind him and do it myself? How many times have I prayed to God for something and instead of waiting on the answer took it upon myself and even convinced myself that if it worked out that it’s what God wanted?

Even though they didn’t always follow the path that God had set before them, in the end He delivered everything that He promised He would do.  Nothing but trouble came from the decision Sarah made to have her husband have a baby with Hagar. (The birth of Ishmael is the cause of the ongoing conflict between the Arabs and Jews to this day).

I say all this to make a couple of points:

  • Our way isn’t the always the best way.
  • God has a plan for our lives. Trust Him.
  • It’s okay to not know what to do.
  • Never ever let your husband have a baby with your maid!! (LOL)

But women learn to trust your husbands (if he is a Godly man) if he loves you and cares, he will never steer you in the wrong direction. Believe that as the head of your household God gives him all that the family needs to make it through.

Happy Anniversary to Me!!

by deidreswain, posted in My Christian Journey, Relationship

Image

So March 19, was my two year wedding anniversary.  I married such an amazing man, that I know that it was truly God who sent him into my life.

So that brings me to tonights topic. Divorce.

Some people say that regardless of what you should never divorce, because what God has joined together no man/woman separate.  But what if God isn’t in the relationship at all? What if this was something that you wanted even if you know that it wasn’t a good idea?

God has to be in a relationship for it to work. Point blank period. That’s the only way that no man/woman can separate what God has joined together.

A woman of Christ

by deidreswain, posted in My Christian Journey, My Goals

This is what I strive to be.

But what is this exactly?

When we seen our grandparents as saved people, that seemed to be a boring life. They never seemed to have any fun unless they were in church. But how does todays modern woman be a woman of Christ without falling into the trappings of the world?

I still want to be fashionable, hip, and stay the young person that I feel. I want to set a good example though, I don’t want there to be any question on my love and dedication to God. But where is the line drawn?

The Bible says that once you accept Christ you become something new, but isn’t there always a bit of the old mixed in with the new? If you were a comedian do you lose you funny bone because you become saved? Or does someone who wants to become an actress give that all up?

I know that God knows who we are deep down to our bones, so I think He calls us for the personality and the people that we are.

If you are gifted in any sort of way or even if you are just fashionable, all those gifts can be used to the glory of God. Now the “old school” church may not see it that way.

Example my husband loves music. Like absolutely loves it.  He has searched the internet until he found the type of gospel music that he can actually “feel”.  I mean he has found gospel music that actually beats in his truck. I mean he loves it! He said that if he knew that gospel music sounded that good he would have been converted (LOL).

I’m quite sure when people hear his truck and the music is booming I’m willing to bet that people think he’s listening to something other than gospel music.

So how do I stay a woman of Christ and stay true to who I am at the same time?

Marriage

by deidreswain, posted in Relationship, Uncategorized

This isn’t my first marriage. No secret there.  I refuse to allow my current marriage to end like my first one or to end at all for that matter.

We have both taken a very important step in our life and we did it together, we both got saved together.  It was so beautiful and such a positive turning point in our marriage.  The only negative I have to say is that it makes it really hard to fight with him!! He always says “Deidre, we are better than this”!… I know he’s right but when i’m mad that’s the last thing I want to hear!!

I am currently reading a book about building a a lasting, loving marriage together with Christ. I’m hoping that through this my relationship with God will become stronger and that my relationship with my loving husband will grow even deeper.

I’m enjoying very much what I’m reading and what I have been learning.

Just my thoughts….

My Christian Journey

by deidreswain, posted in Uncategorized

So I’m sitting here with another sinus infection and I’m struggling mentally because I can’t quite seem to figure out what to do with myself.  Then I pick up my phone to read my new YouVersion bible app (it is truly amazing). I’m reading my Joyce Meyer Daily Devotional and today it spoke about relying on God. I do have a really independent spirit and I forget that sometimes all I need to do is stop and listen to what God is trying to tell me and I won’t feel so frustrated all the time.  

My problem is I have no idea what to do with my time during the day, because of the economy a job is forthcoming and then I have Adult ADD so my attention span is very spotty sometimes, so whatever I figure out to do it has to be something that truly fulfills me. 

I’m starting to get the feeling that just allowing God to take over instead of pushing so hard to make something work would be the best thing for me. I want to live the life that God has planned for me, it’s not always easy though because God doesn’t take away our freewill so we always get to do what we want to do, that’s the easy part. Doing the will of God is the hard part.

Has anyone ever had trouble placing their life in Gods hands?

My mindset

by deidreswain, posted in My Goals

My life. My love. My God. I became saved a few months ago. I can’t say the road has been easy in fact its been hard because I know that I can’t do the things I used to do because I have to be better. Its hard. Very hard. Your mind has to be more focused more on your after life and not your life right now. Your soul and spirit become more important than the life you’re living right now. I’m not perfect. I don’t do everything perfectly I slip up and make mistakes but for some reason knowing Gods grace and mercy allows me to move on from my mistakes and not dwell on them. Everyday I wake up I realize I get another chance to change my life for the better. I realize how much more I love, how much more I care. The compassion I have for people. When someone does something wrong or is in trouble I automatically put myself in their place because it can easily be me. Loving God has completely changed my life.

I found my soul mate…

by deidreswain, posted in Uncategorized

I’ve always said that most people never actually end up with their soul mate. For the most part we normally settle for the closes person who fits the description of what we want in a mate. After being married for about 6 years my ex-husband and I realized that we weren’t meant to be together. There wasn’t a lot of bitterness because we both knew this but since we had no one else we just continued to be married. At this time I sat down and made a short list of what was important to me in a man (a very short list, I’m not Chili). Even though I was just getting out of a marriage, I loved being a wife and I knew that’s what wanted for myself. If I dated someone I wanted the man to know (yes I said man) to know what my intentions were.  I wanted a husband. 

I was afraid to date though. I didn’t want to go through a bunch of guys who didn’t know what they wanted or they weren’t ready to settle down.  Plus I’m sort of high maintenance so it was going to take some one extra special to deal with everything that makes up me!  I had grown up alot ,seen some things in life and knew that the usual didn’t work for me.  Luckily for me someone else was looking for that exact same thing.

My husband is my soul mate. I went around the world and back (literally), just to come back and find a country man from a small town named Childersburg.  My husband is a firm believer in if I’m not happy then he isnt either. His goals are focused on making a better life for our family and nothing more. He is man enough to stand up to peer pressure when he’s called “whipped”. I love being a wife to him, I cant start or end my day without thanking God for bringing and keeping this man I my life. We pray together, laugh together, cry together… doing anything apart is not an option for us because in our eyes that leads to the creation of space between us. We have made our dreams and goals one, so that we can always be on the same page going in the same direction.

I could go on and on about our relationship and our live for each other.  But its not necessart . Soul mates don’t have to tell the world how much they love each other we show it.  The respect we have for each other and our relationship says it all. God blessed me with my soul mate.