So it’s after 5am…. and I’ve been up since about 3:30am…. I thought I had gotten this insomnia problem under control but…. wait for it, it’s back and all because the medication that was given to me to help, hurts me when I no longer need it….

So I’ve always been pretty open about my past anxiety and depression issues… I’m in so much of a better place right now that I decided to take control and stop being dependent on a medication to make me feel better (but should I ever need it again I won’t hesitate to take it). I’ve gained so much more confidence and knowledge over the past few years that I feel like I’m actually doing myself a disservice by not coming off of the medication. With doing so though it brought really bad withdrawal symptoms into my world. It’s literally like my brain is threatening my body. I feel like I’m in one of those thriller movies and I’ve been kidnapped and the kidnappers are cutting off pieces of my body because my family won’t pay fast enough!! (I know very morbid but I wanted you to get the point)

I want to give in so badly…. I really, really do but, I’ve done that in the past. I didn’t trust myself, my husband, family and friends to know that this is a moment, a period and like all things this too shall pass. It’s not always going to feel like this or be like this in fact, I will actually be better off once I do this. It’s very scary though, no one wants to feel like their body is betraying them. Crazy thoughts that you don’t want or need invade your every waking moment… you physically feel drained and lifeless, with no sense of whats real and what isn’t….

But I’m going to push… I’m going to be stronger because I am, because this hasn’t always been my life. So because of that I know what the other side looks like, feels like and I want that! I remember what it feels like to fall asleep at night because I’m tired and to take naps! I remember just being me without all the background noise in my head constantly second guessing my every step… I remember it all. Now I’m not saying I will ever disregard all that I have been through, I can’t. It has now become a part of me also but just a part and not all of me. I’m so much more than one period of time in my life.

So even though my help is hurting me right now it’s okay because I know its not here to stay.

Peace and Love,
Deidre

For anyone who knows me, I try to stay away from status quo….

But lately I can’t seem to get away from it because every day I see it on the news.  Lives of people are being cut short for unnecessary reasons. Now first of all please notice that I said people, no it’s not a typo and no I didn’t say black people. I said people in general because it is happening to every one of every race, what is chosen to be shown on a national level is something totally different.

I heard the other day that this has always been happening but what hasn’t always happened is that there was someone there to record it.  That is the only difference.

I’m going to try and get my feelings out before you think that I’m “sellout” or any other choose words that I’ve been called when I’ve tried to have the conversation with various people.

First of all I’m not afraid of the Police, they are human. A badge and a gun makes you no worse or better than me. So because of that I treat them the way I want to be treated. I try stay calm, I answer questions with honesty and I try to give them no reason for them to fear me in anyway. I’m not trying to insinuate anything on anyone I’m speaking on myself.

Second, I don’t believe all Police are bad. I think there are bad ones out there, but I don’t think these are the ones that are doing the shootings. Those are the ones we should be most concerned about.

Third, FEAR is the real problem. The police get no respect now. So they resort to intimidation to try and put FEAR into people to make it seem like respect. Just like our teachers, police officers are underpaid public servants. We call on them when we need them and then blow through a red light and curse them out when we are caught.  We can’t have it both ways. We all have been taught to FEAR the police because they have all the power so when we are confronted we do one of two things: we get defensive and defiant or we shut down. Neither of these is the right way to proper way to act in my opinion, especially with the climate of FEAR that we have going on in todays world.

Do you realize the police are just like everyone one else? They want to go to work, do their job and go home to their families at night.  The same as anyone reading this blog right now. So what can be done to change this? How do we see this thing go to a better place?

When I speak on police being scared I get this, “If they were going to be scared then why become a police officer?”  My answer, The same way a young person knows that they want to join the military but aren’t prepared mentally to go into another country and go to war.

So although there is hate in the world I don’t believe things have gotten to the point where  people are blatantly hating in the open. The worse hate happens where we can’t see it. So for one second lets put on some else’s shoes. I would like for you to go back to everything that has been in the new lately, watch the videos and tell me what would you have done it those situations. I know you are all going to say well I wouldn’t shoot them, I wouldn’t have shot to kill, I would have just used my taser… but if you were there would you have FEARED for your life or do you think you would have been brave enough to say “hey if it’s my time then I’m ready”… I highly doubt. Self preservation wins out every time.

Please don’t get me wrong this was not a pro-police post. Although I respect them as I would like to think that they respect me in spite of my skin color.  I just want to see everything with clear eyes and not with a biased opinion.  Some of these resent killings have been justified and unjustified lets be honest about that. Then lets go from there on how to make things better because they can be. I wouldn’t want to volunteer to work in a job where everyone hated me…

 

Peace and Love,

Deidre