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What I googled today…

  • How to tape breast…
  • How to tape breast in a backless dress
  • What happens when you mix ammonia and bleach
  • How long can a person stand ammonia fumes
  • My eyes are watering and coughing after mixing ammonia and bleach.. am I going to die
  • What covers the ammonia smell
  • ER co-pays for veterans…

 

This is actually a normal day for me…

Women, Women, Women and the Internet

So I’m very much what you would call a feminist.  I am all about girl power and women sticking together and I can’t stand when another woman try’s to come and take one down. Well, I had this experience last night and I’m proud to say although it hurt, I’ve been through worse, and always the only thing I get out of the experiences is stronger.  I’m so proud to say that. I so proud that who I have become, someone who takes negativity and use it to make me stronger.  The true meaning of what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Adversity only strengthens my faith in God and lets me know that He has my back and won’t put anything more on my than I can bear.

 With the experience it has taught me that women actually google you to figure out who you are… don’t you understand that you can be whoever you want to be on the internet, that doesn’t mean you’ll ever know the real me?  The only way you know who I really is through this blog because this is where I don’t mind pouring out my real feelings because I never know who’s reading if it could help them in any way possible.  I hate that people feel it’s okay to try to tear others down or to throw a monkey wrench in what they have because they feel they are better suited for the job… haven’t ever heard of what for you is for you or that God doesn’t bless mess? But I digress and this isn’t going to be long because I want to leave a message to the person cyber stalking me:

What God had brought together no man or woman will destroy it. You have only made me marriage stronger.  Do yourself  a favor and learn to love yourself first and then find someone who actually loves you and only you.

Peace and Love,

Deidre

 

Happy Birthday CJ (my heavenly angel)

So I totally had Part. 2 to my Easter blog planned.  I had even done all of research to speak on the subject. Then I go on Facebook for the first time today and what do I see..

My ex-husband had posted a birthday wish to our heavenly angel CJ, which included a picture of him taken when he was in the hospital.

Every bit of pain and emotion that I felt the day he was born and the day he died hit me like a ton of bricks.  You see he was born at 24 weeks…. very early to 26 year old couple at Shape, Belgium, a foreign country which we had only been in for a few short weeks, who knew nothing about being pregnant or having a baby.

My pregnancy was extremely difficult, and the only thing I was looking forward to having that special little person who would come out of me and just make me forget everything that I had  gone through.  

God had other ideas though. Trust me when I say, I know it’s true and I know  I’m on a path of spiritual awakening, but that statement is still hard to say.  I would trade me life to this day for my son to be on this Earth, but God makes know mistakes and He knows what’s best for me.

That still doesn’t stop me from thinking what if… I love my husband, but would I have gotten a divorce from my ex? (Statistics say this is normal after the loss of a child) Would I have had more children? (I still have no bio child) How would I have been as a person? Would I have come to Christ sooner? So many questions with answers that I know I will never have.

I always thought that this day would get easier. I thought that as the years went by it would hurt a little less. It hasn’t and doesn’t. My heart aches even as I’m typing this and I thank God for those around me who keep me uplifted during this time.

Losing a child is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. As the saying goes “It’s unnatural for a parent to bury their child”. My heart goes out to everyone who has had to bury theirs. It’s a club that no one wishes to be apart of.

I have to take a moment though and say thank you to those special people that I met while in Belgium.You guys became my family and I can say from the bottom of my heart that I love these ladies. They have wiped tears, held my hand, and just gave me every part of them even though they had only known me for such a short time (in the beginning). I loved you guys then and love you still now.

Carlos D. Blackmon II will always be my first child that grew inside of me, prayer fully he won’t be the last.  He is the one that I draw on when I need strength because I know if I could get through that then anything else I go through is nothing. He is the one who put the thought in my head about becoming a mother because before him I would have laughed at you.  Through him God has taught me some invaluable lessons about life. Although my baby boy is gone, he will never ever be far from my heart. I will love him always and because the tears are welling up in my eyes again I’m going to end this so I can pray my way through this.

Just to add something my husband just told me, don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel if you have gone through something like this. Yell, scream, kick, cry, exercise, just do whatever it is you need to do and don’t feel bad about it. It’s okay. Our club has no rules.

Love & Marriage

I couldn’t find a title to this post. Because the ideas are so jumble in my head but I’m going to try my best to write a good post without rambling 🙂

As I mentioned in an earlier post I am reading a book about building a lasting marriage. So the book is broken up into chapters about different couples in the Bible, the things they went through, and what we can learn from them.

So I’m reading about Abraham and Sarah. They are describe as Partners in Faith.  Imagine my surprise when I read that they went against Gods word!! I know, I know and as you can tell I am no Bible scholar. I actual thought that everything that the Bible speaks about is what God wanted people to do. The thought never entered my mind that even then people still had their free will to choose what they wanted to do.

In case you don’t know the story of Abraham and Sarah (Abram and Sarai before God changed their names) are the only couple in the Bible who are given the biggest focus. Their story spans 13 chapters!!

Abraham and Sarah were given commands by God some they listened to and others they didn’t.  See even back then people didn’t always have faith that God would do everything He promised to do. (Hence the reason Sarah persuaded her maid to have a baby with her husband).

When I read about this it really struck a cord with me. How many times has my husband told me he would take care of something just for me to go behind him and do it myself? How many times have I prayed to God for something and instead of waiting on the answer took it upon myself and even convinced myself that if it worked out that it’s what God wanted?

Even though they didn’t always follow the path that God had set before them, in the end He delivered everything that He promised He would do.  Nothing but trouble came from the decision Sarah made to have her husband have a baby with Hagar. (The birth of Ishmael is the cause of the ongoing conflict between the Arabs and Jews to this day).

I say all this to make a couple of points:

  • Our way isn’t the always the best way.
  • God has a plan for our lives. Trust Him.
  • It’s okay to not know what to do.
  • Never ever let your husband have a baby with your maid!! (LOL)

But women learn to trust your husbands (if he is a Godly man) if he loves you and cares, he will never steer you in the wrong direction. Believe that as the head of your household God gives him all that the family needs to make it through.