I’m Selfish

So I’ve admitted it. That wasn’t so bad. So now how do I deal with it? or do I even deal with it? I mean I’m 35 years old, no biological children with free reign over my own finances. So I’m not only selfish, I’m spoiled, self centered, and I can even have a mean girl streak in me… But I’m a good person. I’m a loving person who will give anyone my last. I love to help others and I like to think of myself as a melanin Martha Stewart. Although I have alot of negatives… I see the world as having sunshines, rainbows and unicorns. I love to call the world I live in my utopia… because it is.

I like to make my life and the life around me as good as possible because I don’t want to live in a constant place of negativity. I know everything that is going on in the world. I’m not blind nor am I an idiot. My skin color doesn’t allow to ignore what is going on. I speed when I drive. I live in a neighborhood where we are the only black family and we are completely ourselves, we don’t do anything different we are still ourselves. We do what others would call “black things” we have parties, play loud music, we have people over all the time. We just try to be respectable of others while staying true to ourselves. I wonder though if my background has made me this way. I wonder was I too protected? I do feel as though these things won’t and shouldn’t happen to me, but I guess that can be said about everyone who has gotten shot and killed.


This reminds me of something that happened a few weeks ago we were actually having a small gathering in the backyard and when I say small it was small. I had just had a birthday party a few weeks earlier and their were about 50+ that night. But for this small gathering we got a visit from the police… they had gotten a noise complaint. The officers were nice and respectable (we do live in a mid scale neighborhood) so they let us know (indirectly of course) that there is no noise ordinance rules on the books but they just had to come out anyway. Now the people who complained didn’t live in my immediate neighborhood. As the residents of Merry Place we have a chain text message where we can text each other with any problems we may have. So we turned the music down only to hear the music of the “party” we were supposedly disturbing. We could have just turned out music back up…. but you should always pick and choose your battles and this wasn’t one of them. The police weren’t overly concerned and knew that it wasn’t a big deal so…. Even with that happening I still can’t be scared of the police. My only concern is getting back home to my family. If that makes me a punk then so be it.

The Help that hurts….

So it’s after 5am…. and I’ve been up since about 3:30am…. I thought I had gotten this insomnia problem under control but…. wait for it, it’s back and all because the medication that was given to me to help, hurts me when I no longer need it….

So I’ve always been pretty open about my past anxiety and depression issues… I’m in so much of a better place right now that I decided to take control and stop being dependent on a medication to make me feel better (but should I ever need it again I won’t hesitate to take it). I’ve gained so much more confidence and knowledge over the past few years that I feel like I’m actually doing myself a disservice by not coming off of the medication. With doing so though it brought really bad withdrawal symptoms into my world. It’s literally like my brain is threatening my body. I feel like I’m in one of those thriller movies and I’ve been kidnapped and the kidnappers are cutting off pieces of my body because my family won’t pay fast enough!! (I know very morbid but I wanted you to get the point)

I want to give in so badly…. I really, really do but, I’ve done that in the past. I didn’t trust myself, my husband, family and friends to know that this is a moment, a period and like all things this too shall pass. It’s not always going to feel like this or be like this in fact, I will actually be better off once I do this. It’s very scary though, no one wants to feel like their body is betraying them. Crazy thoughts that you don’t want or need invade your every waking moment… you physically feel drained and lifeless, with no sense of whats real and what isn’t….

But I’m going to push… I’m going to be stronger because I am, because this hasn’t always been my life. So because of that I know what the other side looks like, feels like and I want that! I remember what it feels like to fall asleep at night because I’m tired and to take naps! I remember just being me without all the background noise in my head constantly second guessing my every step… I remember it all. Now I’m not saying I will ever disregard all that I have been through, I can’t. It has now become a part of me also but just a part and not all of me. I’m so much more than one period of time in my life.

So even though my help is hurting me right now it’s okay because I know its not here to stay.

Peace and Love,
Deidre

Lives Matter

For anyone who knows me, I try to stay away from status quo….

But lately I can’t seem to get away from it because every day I see it on the news.  Lives of people are being cut short for unnecessary reasons. Now first of all please notice that I said people, no it’s not a typo and no I didn’t say black people. I said people in general because it is happening to every one of every race, what is chosen to be shown on a national level is something totally different.

I heard the other day that this has always been happening but what hasn’t always happened is that there was someone there to record it.  That is the only difference.

I’m going to try and get my feelings out before you think that I’m “sellout” or any other choose words that I’ve been called when I’ve tried to have the conversation with various people.

First of all I’m not afraid of the Police, they are human. A badge and a gun makes you no worse or better than me. So because of that I treat them the way I want to be treated. I try stay calm, I answer questions with honesty and I try to give them no reason for them to fear me in anyway. I’m not trying to insinuate anything on anyone I’m speaking on myself.

Second, I don’t believe all Police are bad. I think there are bad ones out there, but I don’t think these are the ones that are doing the shootings. Those are the ones we should be most concerned about.

Third, FEAR is the real problem. The police get no respect now. So they resort to intimidation to try and put FEAR into people to make it seem like respect. Just like our teachers, police officers are underpaid public servants. We call on them when we need them and then blow through a red light and curse them out when we are caught.  We can’t have it both ways. We all have been taught to FEAR the police because they have all the power so when we are confronted we do one of two things: we get defensive and defiant or we shut down. Neither of these is the right way to proper way to act in my opinion, especially with the climate of FEAR that we have going on in todays world.

Do you realize the police are just like everyone one else? They want to go to work, do their job and go home to their families at night.  The same as anyone reading this blog right now. So what can be done to change this? How do we see this thing go to a better place?

When I speak on police being scared I get this, “If they were going to be scared then why become a police officer?”  My answer, The same way a young person knows that they want to join the military but aren’t prepared mentally to go into another country and go to war.

So although there is hate in the world I don’t believe things have gotten to the point where  people are blatantly hating in the open. The worse hate happens where we can’t see it. So for one second lets put on some else’s shoes. I would like for you to go back to everything that has been in the new lately, watch the videos and tell me what would you have done it those situations. I know you are all going to say well I wouldn’t shoot them, I wouldn’t have shot to kill, I would have just used my taser… but if you were there would you have FEARED for your life or do you think you would have been brave enough to say “hey if it’s my time then I’m ready”… I highly doubt. Self preservation wins out every time.

Please don’t get me wrong this was not a pro-police post. Although I respect them as I would like to think that they respect me in spite of my skin color.  I just want to see everything with clear eyes and not with a biased opinion.  Some of these resent killings have been justified and unjustified lets be honest about that. Then lets go from there on how to make things better because they can be. I wouldn’t want to volunteer to work in a job where everyone hated me…

 

Peace and Love,

Deidre

 

 

Everyone seems to have a lot to say about this upcoming election. I see and hear so many opinions that its crazy.  The biggest question I have is do you know what any of this means?

Each and everyone has a cause or an issue that is close to us. So have you done your research on your candidate to see where they stand on the particular issue? Will it be something that is beneficial to you or will it make things worse for you?

I took it upon myself to do what I’m asking you before I made this post. I was pleasantly surprised that the information I was looking for was readily available or an email got me the information. I urge and highly suggest that you do the same. The things that you don’t think will affect you in way will. It’s the trickle down effect. You may not feel it right away but eventually it will.

So come this November put all of your complaints in a pen/pencil and vote what’s right for you. Get involved if you can. You can actually be the change you want to see. I mean did we not learn anything from Micheal Jackson? Start with the man/woman in the mirror.

Peace and Love,

Deidre

 

Blogging

I have go to get better at this blogging thing because I really enjoy doing it, but I am so slow at it sometimes or I don’t want to get too controversial in some of the things that I want to say, but with the way things are going maybe I should learn to be more true to myself and not be afraid if I’m going to step on toes or not… So please be patient with me because I’m going to work on procrastination and getting my information out there. In fact I think I’ll be doing blogging and video blogging all at the same time, especially when there is something I have to say… So don’t give up on me yet!

Peace and Love,

Deidre

The certainty in the uncertain…

I’m up. I really should be sleep. My head is killing me right now. I actually heard ringing in my ears a little while ago… scary stuff. I don’t know what it means. Normally I can expect to get a really bad sinus infection soon. I hope I don’t,  it is extra hot and my pool is always calling my name….

But even with all that I’m up… and I’m looking at my husband sleep. I know he had a heavy mind… finding out a family member died yesterday…. saw a post from an old friend about how one of their good friends had died.  I realized now that as much as I want to try and control everything, as much as I want to try and put my life plans and goals on a list, that it’s just not possible.  The only thing we have in life to be certain about is the uncertainty.  As soon as we try take comfort in things being in “place”, something takes place to change the “perfect balance” that we think we have finally achieved, whether the change is positive or negative it will happen.  The uncertainty…..

I’m beginning to see that life is about living and accepting because what can you control? We can’t control others, nature or even ourselves sometimes for that matter.  The uncertainty… I don’t want to sound all doom and gloom because the uncertainty isn’t like that. Its life, everyday we are all constantly evolving as people and we aren’t going to always be one way.  We have to take comfort in knowing that life challenges us for better not worse. As the old saying goes you can’t have a testimony without a test.

Again, the uncertainty.

Even leaving out the house now seems to be a gamble. You never know if you’re going to make it back home because again the uncertainty of everything can be scary…. so what do I do?  What do you do when there is nothing to do?

I’m actually certain with my answer to this…. more certain than anything else.

I’m going to live and love, because with that the uncertainty will be that much easier to get through.

Peace and Love,

Deidre