The Help that hurts….

So it’s after 5am…. and I’ve been up since about 3:30am…. I thought I had gotten this insomnia problem under control but…. wait for it, it’s back and all because the medication that was given to me to help, hurts me when I no longer need it….

So I’ve always been pretty open about my past anxiety and depression issues… I’m in so much of a better place right now that I decided to take control and stop being dependent on a medication to make me feel better (but should I ever need it again I won’t hesitate to take it). I’ve gained so much more confidence and knowledge over the past few years that I feel like I’m actually doing myself a disservice by not coming off of the medication. With doing so though it brought really bad withdrawal symptoms into my world. It’s literally like my brain is threatening my body. I feel like I’m in one of those thriller movies and I’ve been kidnapped and the kidnappers are cutting off pieces of my body because my family won’t pay fast enough!! (I know very morbid but I wanted you to get the point)

I want to give in so badly…. I really, really do but, I’ve done that in the past. I didn’t trust myself, my husband, family and friends to know that this is a moment, a period and like all things this too shall pass. It’s not always going to feel like this or be like this in fact, I will actually be better off once I do this. It’s very scary though, no one wants to feel like their body is betraying them. Crazy thoughts that you don’t want or need invade your every waking moment… you physically feel drained and lifeless, with no sense of whats real and what isn’t….

But I’m going to push… I’m going to be stronger because I am, because this hasn’t always been my life. So because of that I know what the other side looks like, feels like and I want that! I remember what it feels like to fall asleep at night because I’m tired and to take naps! I remember just being me without all the background noise in my head constantly second guessing my every step… I remember it all. Now I’m not saying I will ever disregard all that I have been through, I can’t. It has now become a part of me also but just a part and not all of me. I’m so much more than one period of time in my life.

So even though my help is hurting me right now it’s okay because I know its not here to stay.

Peace and Love,

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