Because my family kinda had a stalker a while back, I didn’t want to talk about this subject. (FYI Crazy chick wanted my husband).
Well as those close to me know my husband and I are trying to conceive.
It hasn’t quite been a year yet and there was a break for a while of actual “trying”.
I wasn’t ovulating… why? I couldn’t honestly tell you because I have been pregnant before, in fact I got pregnant easily… first time I ever tried.
So what makes this time so different?
I have asked myself that question a million times and because I know myself I know that I’m the type of person to hold on to things for a long time. I let things that should and can be forgiven get to me, I let things that have no value or real affect on me shape my life.
My sweet baby boy CJ died April 5, 2007. Worst day of my life, I would trade places with him in a heartbeat and I still feel that way even til this very day.
That day I think I shut down everything in my body that could possibly baby related. Before ex-husband asked me to have children, I had always said I didn’t want kids. Right after I lost CJ I went right back into that mode. No children for me.
Then as life normally does, a curve ball was thrown at me.
I got divorced, met a new guy, got re-married and because there was a sweet 4 year old little boy in the picture I thought I had hit the jackpot and everything was complete. I was not prepared in any way for feelings of wanting my own child.
Why would I want that? My pregnancy with CJ was HORRIBLE! I was so sick, in the ER every other week it was a mess. So why would I want to go remotely tempt the scales of fate and go through that again?
We have all heard of the biological clock and I thought I had broke mine because I was happy without being a full time mommy. I love sharing my mommy duties, with an incredible woman that is my sons mother.
So this change of heart came out of no where for me. Even when my husband and I were getting the questions; So when are you guys going to have a little one of your own? We would just laugh off the question and try and direct the conversation elsewhere.
Then one day I turned to my husband and asked him honestly, “Do you really want another kid”? To which he replied (as only a man can) “I would never take that option away from you, so it’s whatever you want”, well to me that wasn’t much of an answer so over a few months we had the baby conversation plenty of times. I wanted a straight answer or maybe I just wanted to hear what my heart was already beginning to tell me.
So one day it comes out, he has always wanted a little girl and that he would love to have one with me, even without knowing how much of our lives it will change. (We are childless every other weekend which means sleeping in and late nights, not having food in the refrigerator and sometimes parties that last until sunup).
So then begins the TTC journey, and so far it totally sucks. I know I’m older but should it really be this hard? I swear the towel is sitting beside me waiting to be thrown in because I just about give up. I have no patience for the “it will happen on day” speech I get time and time again.
I can’t seem to throw it in just yet. Stupid faith. My faith is telling me that I haven’t given God the time that He needs to make the situation the way He wants it before He gives the blessing which I pray for, because I have had some great teachers of Gods word over the years, I know:
- He does things in His own time
- He doesn’t put in any situation you can’t handle
- He bleeses those who put their faith in Him
So because I know these things. I have to do the one thing I am not known to have. Patience. My downfall every single time. I think I have said this in an earlier blog but I am definetly one of those make things happen type of person. I go strong and hard. So trust not being able to look down at myself and say get pregnant and it actually works kills me. (yes I have talked to my body about it failure to do as I tell it to).
Maybe my day will come when I finally say “I’m pregnant”! Maybe it won’t. My so sweet and loving husband said “hey it’s going to happen, just not on our time. I could be 50 and it could happen then!” Although I did give him a long and hard side eye. What he said makes perfect sense. I can’t control wait was is or isn’t meant for me. So for now I will try and be patient. I will continue doing whatever it is the doctor says I need to do to help and I will continue to wait for my blessing from God. I can’t say I will always be happy about it and that I won’t have horribly depressing days like I had today but when thing are put in prespective for you, your mindset has no other choice but to change.
Peace and Love,